Facibus Reviews

The following comes from Bob Sutton’s book The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t:

Renowned management guru Peter F. Drucker looked back on his 65-year consulting career shortly before he died. He concluded that great leaders could be either ‘charismatic or dull’ or ‘visionary or numbers-oriented,’ but the most inspiring and effective managers he knew all had a few things in common, including, ‘They thought and said we rather than I’.

Bob goes on to offer the following advice:

So start listening to the words that you and your colleagues say. Tape-record and listen to a couple of meetings; if they are nearly all about ‘me, myself and I’ and ‘us versus them,’ it might be time to start changing the way you talk - it can help to keep the inner jerk in check.

I find myself saying “I” when I feel unwanted or under-appreciated. I think about how much it annoys me when other people do it - and this must mean that other people feel the same way when I do it.  Interesting. When we interact with other people with win-win solutions in mind, does “we” always work better than “I”?

I’ve thought about this post for a couple of days. It is one of those subjects that it is easier to not go near: gender issues in the workplace. While it is easiest to stay out of the debate altogether, it is something that we all need to think about. I’ve thought about it and how there is some difference in my approach to others suggested at the moment.

DevChix writer Gloria has raised some interesting points in Let’s All Evolve Past This: The Barriers Women Face in Tech Communities. As a man who works with women in IT, I’d like to address two of her points: confrontation and flirtation.

Confrontation and Gender in IT
I’m currently reading Bob Sutton’s The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t and am in favour of his concept of respectful confrontation - if there is a problem, everyone should be able to discuss it, as long as they attack the argument and not the person. Please remember the title of the book - Bob is no advocate of insensitive behaviour, and neither am I. Demeaning behavior and sniping comments are always wrong.

Gloria has an issue with confrontative communication styles. She infers that all confrontative discussion is wrong, and that women chose not to arm themselves beforehand in technical battles - and I think that she is wrong here. Perhaps the women that I work with are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and have adapted to become men, but I doubt it - they generally go into technical discussions well-armed with the facts, just like my male colleagues. It is true of both genders that some people get emotionally attached to an idea and cannot let go of it without grief all round, and that some people thrive on conflict and drama - let’s face it, that is why Bob Sutton’s book is so popular.

Office Flirtation and Harrassment
Flirtation is an easier line to draw in the sand: any unwelcome advance is unlawful harrassment. For myself as a consultant, clients are off-limits. This is an easy call to make. For the last year-and-a-half I’ve worked on a client site where there are thousands of employees - anecdotally 80% women - and if that reduces my dating pool, then so be it.

Where it gets slightly sticky is in recognition - compliments are a natural way to maintain some level of human connection with clients - they should always be honest and real. I think that it should be OK to say “that is a nice jacket!” to someone, regardless of gender (that said, looking down a female client’s top while saying it is certainly not OK!).

With colleagues, I tend to agree with Tim Bray - within the geek community we spend a lot of time in work and afterwork - accordingly, there are fewer opportunities than previously available to find a partner. Gloria infers that women never want to date anyone else in the office, so everyone should forget about office romances - and while this is usually a good practice, I believe that it is incorrect to say that it never happens. It’s still possible, just not easy or practical. That said, as always, any approach to a potential love interest should be done with decorum, tact, and respect - otherwise it is predatory, and wrong, regardless of where the approach takes place or your gender/orientation. Gloria’s example of the married middle-aged man hitting on the 17 year old woman is a prize example of wrongness - but to extrapolate this to the premise that all women are always offended by more than professional interest in the office is taking it a little too far.

For myself, I can see a lot of advantages of a relationship with someone who understands that with great salary comes great responsibility (and therefore an acceptance of afterwork and blogging). This is a recurring theme running through conversations I’ve had with friends who blog on top of a very busy consulting life.

Gloria was right to raise this - every man who works in the IT world (or indeed, gets out of bed in the morning) should have a clear understanding of where the lines are and how to avoid crossing them. I do differ from Gloria in where to place the lines.

I would add that by being confrontational about why women don’t do confrontation, she is setting up all male commentators to reinforce her argument - if they are male and disagree, they are supporting her case that most men can’t work effectively with women.

Interesting subject - what do you think?